If a restaurant were to name something after you, what would it be? Describe it. (Bonus points if you give us a recipe!)
Why, it would be a sandwich, of course, because putting the effort into cooking something just seems like…work.
A sandwich is something quick and easy to just throw together, that would best represent my low maintenance lifestyle. I’ve never had a mani-pedi *gasp*, and as a matter of fact, my toenails are long enough right now to stab somebody and do serious damage. I don’t get my hair ‘did’, my eyebrows haven’t been plucked in so long that the space in between eyelids and forehead somewhat resembles mating caterpillars, and my legs are lucky to get shaved before I start attracting lustful porcupines. You’ll also rarely see me in anything other than shorts and a tie-dyed t-shirt.
This sandwich would be called “The Lazy American”, made with the cheapest Bologna and Spam that money could buy, piled high atop one of those rock hard deli rolls that you get in the big bulk bags with the reduced price just before they start to turn. It would be cheesy, of course, just like me. It wouldn’t be the good cheese, either. It would be like…government cheese…you know the stuff that they used to hand out in huge, squishy blocks back in the 70’s. I’ll add some unwashed, non-organic veggies, of course…some thinly sliced tomato, and those thick, hard pieces of bitter lettuce that you get when you’re right down next to the core. I call those the lettuce bones. It will also have mayo, lots and lots of mayo, at least 2 tablespoons per square inch. The real appeal, though, will be the 2 dozen or so pieces of undercooked bacon with the grease still dripping off of each floppy slice.
It might come with a flimsy pickle and soggy chips on the side…you know, after they’ve been plopped in the pickle juice and left to turn into a greasy, sodden mess that you have to scrape up and eat with a spoon.
Let’s not forget the Mountain Dew to wash it all down with, because we might as well go with the healthiest drink choice to top it all off.
Don’t worry, we’ll make sure the defibrillator is fired up and ready in case of emergency.
So relax, and enjoy.